For those of you considering foster care, or even adoption, you need to be aware of so many things that can put a hitch in your plans. Most people think "I'm fostering a child that can go up for adoption....I'll adopt them". It so does not work that way! In the foster care world, once a child is placed into care, DHS workers start looking for relatives that can take the child. Usually, you are referred to as emergency care, until a relative can be located. Once a relative is located, they must pass all the same requirements that you did before they can take the child/children. Although, a relative can foster and take the classes required at the same time, rather than having to take the classes first. In our case, our guy has no dad on the birth certificate, and mom doesn't really know who dad is. She did name a few different possibilities, but upon contact, they were not interested in even meeting with DHS to do a DNA test. Our baby also has no relatives that can pass the checks to take him. Those relatives that could,for whatever reason choose not to. Keep in mind that in most cases there is an aunt, cousin, grandparent.....someone who will, which is why kids are removed so often and re-placed, because a relative steps up. Now, in our case, if a dad was located and matched, he could take him....OR one of his relatives could. They always try to keep biological families together. Sometimes you will think.."I've had this child for 2 years and now they are giving him to Aunt Betty, and they've never met". That is because they are biologically related.
The State doesn't see things the way we do. I asked why after a possible 1-2 years of having our guy, would they give him to strangers. The answer floored me.."Because the adoptive parents have his half sister....he's a kid, they are resiliant and bounce back". REALLY? How do they know this? How do they know the feelings of an infant who ONLY knows you, and then is suddenly yanked away and given to a stranger? They don't. This is the law I wish I could change. So beware that you will be hurt, frusterated, angry, confused, and emotional on a daily basis. This is not an "easy paycheck", the money you receive is enough to get the child month to month what they require.
Your child is completely insured through the state until they are 18, so you will never have to pay for any medical.
About adoption. Things can change fast! Nothing is final until the judge signs the papers. A relative could step in, and that will halt everything. They will go through all the checks, and if all is ok, then an adoption panel is put together to decide who the child should go to. Keep in mind, it's usually the relative, so your heart could be broken.
Don't go into foster care in the hopes of adoption right away. You could have hundreds of kids before the right situation comes along.
Moving forward
There are so many different kinds of cases in Foster care, we actually have one of the least complicated ones. There are no family members fighting for this baby, no mom/dad custody battles, no getting passed around to different foster homes, or going back and forth from a parent into foster care. In our case, its either go back to mom, or get adopted. Thats the bottom line.
We feel fortunate that we can provide a stable home, that is always there, everyday the same faces.
We are now at our 4th month, almost 5th, and our baby is now 15+ pounds. He is HAPPY and very healthy. But nothing is that easy! He went from his head being 80th percentile, to 100 percentile in 2 months. Its a big ol head, slightly mis shapen with a VERY large soft spot. His pediatrician was concerned about his head growth, but also the soft spot. So we have an appt to go to OHSU to see specialists about it. So, ok this is MY baby....I don't want them to hurt him! Lots of emotions.
Also, mom went into detox! We were really pulling for her, but after a week, she took off. She has not contacted DHS to see her baby, or set up visits in a month, since she took off. This is very sad. Sad that she couldn't pull it together, but sad that this was her last shot. She has basically blown it. The next step is termination of parental rights. Then adoption. I guess I feel like things are slipping away...like he's going to be taken from me soon. That "soon" could be a year or more....but it's all too soon. At this point, I am his mommy, my husband is his daddy and our daughter is his big sister. This is how we feel, and I wish I could change the laws. But there isn't anything I can do. I contacted a lawyer who was absolutely wonderful, but was honest in telling me that she couldn't help me. She was sad, she wanted to, but she read the law to me, and a judge will send him to be with his half sister. A family hes never seen, they have never seen him, met him, they know nothing of him. We are raising him.....in my heart, he is my son. How do you let someone take your child?
We feel fortunate that we can provide a stable home, that is always there, everyday the same faces.
We are now at our 4th month, almost 5th, and our baby is now 15+ pounds. He is HAPPY and very healthy. But nothing is that easy! He went from his head being 80th percentile, to 100 percentile in 2 months. Its a big ol head, slightly mis shapen with a VERY large soft spot. His pediatrician was concerned about his head growth, but also the soft spot. So we have an appt to go to OHSU to see specialists about it. So, ok this is MY baby....I don't want them to hurt him! Lots of emotions.
Also, mom went into detox! We were really pulling for her, but after a week, she took off. She has not contacted DHS to see her baby, or set up visits in a month, since she took off. This is very sad. Sad that she couldn't pull it together, but sad that this was her last shot. She has basically blown it. The next step is termination of parental rights. Then adoption. I guess I feel like things are slipping away...like he's going to be taken from me soon. That "soon" could be a year or more....but it's all too soon. At this point, I am his mommy, my husband is his daddy and our daughter is his big sister. This is how we feel, and I wish I could change the laws. But there isn't anything I can do. I contacted a lawyer who was absolutely wonderful, but was honest in telling me that she couldn't help me. She was sad, she wanted to, but she read the law to me, and a judge will send him to be with his half sister. A family hes never seen, they have never seen him, met him, they know nothing of him. We are raising him.....in my heart, he is my son. How do you let someone take your child?
First month
After the first week, our lil man had his first check up. He was 6lb 10oz at birth, dropped to 6lb 5oz when we got him, and had gotten back to his original weight in 5 days. The Dr noticed his jitteryness, his cry was almost a scream. He was going through withdrawls. They weren't awful enough for any type of hospitalization, but awful knowing he was going through them. The Dr told us to expect them until 8 months. Our next appt was his 2 week check. He had gained a pound! We were really happy. He was still going through withdrawls, and sleeping alot.
At our 1 month appt, he had gained a whopping 3 pounds! He had started getting some chub on his little body. But there was an issue with spitting up, so we switched formula and things started to get better.
At this point, mom had been given supervised visitations twice a week. Thursdays visits were in a baby bonding group, and friday was just her. 2 hours each day. For 4 weeks in a row she never showed up to her thursday visits, so they were taken from her. She usually missed at least one Friday visit a month. She didn't really know what to do with him, she was very emotional and cried alot. We decided along with the caseworker that we would put a notebook in the diaper bag, with info for her. Anything new he did, any info from Dr visits, basically things she could know as a mother in hopes of better bonding. But it was kind of too late, he was bonded to us. This is one thing the State doesnt understand....a newborn won't bond with their mommy if they have already made that bond with you.
He mostly slept through his visits. She fed him and changed him, and gave him back to us. I started to notice a trend in myself. On Fridays, I was very aggitated until the visit was over and he was back in my arms. I had fallen completely in love with this little man.
Our caseworker has to see him once every 30 days in our home, so we started discussing what would happen if mom didn't get him back. We were very discouraged. There was a family in Ohio, who adopted his half sister and they were interested in adopting him too. Because they had his half biological sister, they would win over us in court. Now, the stubborn operson I am said "No way....you will not take him away from me". So I started my journey, reading up and asking qustions. I hit a dead end when I was told by an attourney that we would not win over a bio sibling in court.
Since that day, I have been broken hearted in hearing this news.
At our 1 month appt, he had gained a whopping 3 pounds! He had started getting some chub on his little body. But there was an issue with spitting up, so we switched formula and things started to get better.
At this point, mom had been given supervised visitations twice a week. Thursdays visits were in a baby bonding group, and friday was just her. 2 hours each day. For 4 weeks in a row she never showed up to her thursday visits, so they were taken from her. She usually missed at least one Friday visit a month. She didn't really know what to do with him, she was very emotional and cried alot. We decided along with the caseworker that we would put a notebook in the diaper bag, with info for her. Anything new he did, any info from Dr visits, basically things she could know as a mother in hopes of better bonding. But it was kind of too late, he was bonded to us. This is one thing the State doesnt understand....a newborn won't bond with their mommy if they have already made that bond with you.
He mostly slept through his visits. She fed him and changed him, and gave him back to us. I started to notice a trend in myself. On Fridays, I was very aggitated until the visit was over and he was back in my arms. I had fallen completely in love with this little man.
Our caseworker has to see him once every 30 days in our home, so we started discussing what would happen if mom didn't get him back. We were very discouraged. There was a family in Ohio, who adopted his half sister and they were interested in adopting him too. Because they had his half biological sister, they would win over us in court. Now, the stubborn operson I am said "No way....you will not take him away from me". So I started my journey, reading up and asking qustions. I hit a dead end when I was told by an attourney that we would not win over a bio sibling in court.
Since that day, I have been broken hearted in hearing this news.
Our little man
On June 13th of 2013, I had not had anyone call to place any children with us, so I decided to call and let them know we were still here. I spoke with a very frantic woman who said "can you take a newborn?" I said yes, and she said "Ok, my co worker is on the phone with the hospital right now, she will call you right back". Within 5 minutes J called me. She is an intake worker, meaning she is the "first responder". She filled me in....
He is 2 days old
He tested positive for meth, and benzodiazapines
This is moms 3rd child, she lost the other 2 for the same reasons
She has a long record with DHS, including drug use since age 13
She wants to meet us
There is no Dad on the birth certificate
My heart stopped...a newborn? Ok WOW! I started crying and panicking all at once.
The next day, we met J at the hospital, went up to labor/delivery and walked up to a door with 2 armed guards outside of it. J went in first,, and then came to lead us in. We walked into the room, mom was rocking her son and crying. I didn't know what to do. What do you say in this situation? We didn't have a chance to say anything, J started introducing us, telling mom what was going to happen and questioning who the strange guy in the room was.
Things went really quickly, no time to chat really....very cold, serious....almost creepy.
We did talk to mom a little, she said she liked us from the minute we walked in, she was very reluctant to answer any questions that J asked her. She was told of her court hearing the next day, and released. She then stood up, and handed her tiny little baby to my husband, collected a few items and was escorted out. She took all the giftbags with her, leaving us nothing for him except a ripped up old paperbag. She said there were things inside for him. Looking inside the bag, there were girls clothes, clothes for 18 month olds, and everything was FILTHY. J told us she would get us a gift certificate to buy him the things he needed. We then waited for 2 more hours for the Dr and nurse to come in and fill out paperwork, give him another checkup, and release him to our custody. He was tiny, 6 pounds. He was slightly jittery, shaky. There wasn't much to tell about him because mom never saw a Dr when she was pregnant with him. No prenatal care. So we had to kind of wing it. The guards were released, and so were we. We went to Walmart and bought him all the essentials, and then took him home. I scheduled a one week old visit with our daughters pediatrician as soon as we got home, I bathed him, fed him,and let him sleep.
Our daughter was so excited! Everyone was thrilled. We had no idea how long we would have him, we figured not long, but we had a job to do....and we started doing it.
He is 2 days old
He tested positive for meth, and benzodiazapines
This is moms 3rd child, she lost the other 2 for the same reasons
She has a long record with DHS, including drug use since age 13
She wants to meet us
There is no Dad on the birth certificate
My heart stopped...a newborn? Ok WOW! I started crying and panicking all at once.
The next day, we met J at the hospital, went up to labor/delivery and walked up to a door with 2 armed guards outside of it. J went in first,, and then came to lead us in. We walked into the room, mom was rocking her son and crying. I didn't know what to do. What do you say in this situation? We didn't have a chance to say anything, J started introducing us, telling mom what was going to happen and questioning who the strange guy in the room was.
Things went really quickly, no time to chat really....very cold, serious....almost creepy.
We did talk to mom a little, she said she liked us from the minute we walked in, she was very reluctant to answer any questions that J asked her. She was told of her court hearing the next day, and released. She then stood up, and handed her tiny little baby to my husband, collected a few items and was escorted out. She took all the giftbags with her, leaving us nothing for him except a ripped up old paperbag. She said there were things inside for him. Looking inside the bag, there were girls clothes, clothes for 18 month olds, and everything was FILTHY. J told us she would get us a gift certificate to buy him the things he needed. We then waited for 2 more hours for the Dr and nurse to come in and fill out paperwork, give him another checkup, and release him to our custody. He was tiny, 6 pounds. He was slightly jittery, shaky. There wasn't much to tell about him because mom never saw a Dr when she was pregnant with him. No prenatal care. So we had to kind of wing it. The guards were released, and so were we. We went to Walmart and bought him all the essentials, and then took him home. I scheduled a one week old visit with our daughters pediatrician as soon as we got home, I bathed him, fed him,and let him sleep.
Our daughter was so excited! Everyone was thrilled. We had no idea how long we would have him, we figured not long, but we had a job to do....and we started doing it.
Respite care
Wow, I'm AWFUL at this whole blog thing! I guess it's time to fill everyone in. Back in May of 2012, we were called to do respite care for 9 days. Respite care is when the child has a foster home, but that family needs a break. The little guy we got was 17 months old. Seems simple enough, right? NOPE! We brought him home not really knowing much about him, his foster family had only had him for 2 weeks, and let me tell you, the State doesn't fill you in on much. They had told me he was 14 months old, among other little things that weren't correct. Anyway, he was from a mom that was a meth user, he had been taken from her 4 times in his tiny little life. She thought it would be easier to hold him all the time, or pass him around her wonderful drug circle of friends than it would be to let him down to play because then she would have to watch him. So, needless to say, he had no clue how to play with any toys. He did however carry a handful of fuzz everywhere he went. Wherever he could find fuzz, he collected it...off the floor, carpet, didn't matter. He also was a biter! Nobody told us this helpful piece of info until he bit our daughter. I made a quick call to his caseworker for medical records to make sure he was free of any diseases. He was also a spitter. If he didn't like something, he would spit all over you. My husband and I quickly started wondering what the heck we had gotten ourselves into. All children come to you with behaviors of some degree. But usually the caseworker tells you about them. Then on his second day, the caseworker called saying he needed a visit with his mom. I had told them upon accepting this case, that I only had my car on Thursdays and Fridays. This was a Monday and he HAD to have this visit that day. So, they sent a worker to pick him up and bring him back. The worker came to the door, and he held out his arms to her....how sad is that? He was so used to being tossed to different people that he just went with her.
Well, we survived our 9 days, he learned how to play, and he stopped carrying fuzz! They were hoping to have him finally find his forever home, but I contacted his foster mom and she said they no longer had him. Just another victim of our broken system.
Well, we survived our 9 days, he learned how to play, and he stopped carrying fuzz! They were hoping to have him finally find his forever home, but I contacted his foster mom and she said they no longer had him. Just another victim of our broken system.
